Ch. 6: Candle of Hope
Coping with Bereavement:
As I pressed on in a state of grief and bereavement, I began to ask, “Is it really possible for anyone to declare how you should react? After all; how should you compose your self? What should be said or done whilst experiencing the moments, days, months and years after the death of a loved one?”
Bringing to mind anniversaries, birthdays and other special events can be very painful.
Walking into a room or venue and seeing or even smelling something, can immediately remind you of an account or event which only you and your loved one held special.
A personal item or article found in the bottom of a draw, a fragrance which only she or he wore. A particular garment, piece of clothing.
Even the location which you at times would go to and meet again and again.
Treasured moments, fondest thoughts, wildest dreams, spontaneous events, great ideas, fantasies and plans. All compiled to form a diary, encyclopaedia of emotions, joys, sadness, precious moments, happy memories, broken dreams – and so on.
All the ups and downs, the joys and tears, doubts and fears, gathered together to form a relationship.
“Remember the happy times!” would be the resounding cry from genuine concerned people, family and friends.
With all the concern from those round and about, did you ever feel like shouting or like me prefer to be left quietly to collect your thoughts? The constant roller-coaster feeling, at times wanting to be alone, other times needing to talk. Many would listen, but would many hear?
Anyhow, it became apparent after a while, the very name of Judith would drive people to a silence and a very uncomfortable composure. The fidget or muffled cough would make me aware that it was time to move on.
Yet in those times of talking about her, the moments, the funniest occasions and events, all of this helped me to keep focused.
Its strange how different people cope, different people react.
One day when sorting through a draw at the bottom of my bed, I stumbled across a musical box which you would place at the end of a babies cot. It had a cord to pull and when pulled would play a lullaby.
The Brahms lullaby.
Simple little thing, but as I pulled the cord to hear the lullaby, tears began to roll down my face.
This musical box was part of a collection of baby items which Judith had collected and put safely away.
Judith was with child – not once but five times. Each time after four months of being pregnant, Judith would suffer a miscarriage every time.
Finding the musical box reminded me not only of Judith – but the painful experiences of loosing so many, so much.
The first baby we called “Nathaniel,” the second “Christopher-Rhys.”
The simple musical box would bring back memories of miscarriages and Judith’s desired to be a mother. For some reason, not sure, we did not name the third, fourth and fifth. Perhaps it became too painful.
The day after the fatal car crash; Judith and I were due to meet with an officer from a fostering & adoption agency – with view to fostering, maybe adopting a child.
In addition, this whole episode coincided with the time when I commenced a degree course through correspondence at the London Bible College. This course was, for the most part, an attempt to further what I had accomplished at Mattersey, but naturally due to finding myself in a state of bereavement, suddenly things were put on hold.
Somehow the aspirations and ambitions were no longer important. Not at that point, anyway!
So how did I cope?
I could have stubbornly decided to stay exactly where I was and not move forwards, or even worse go backwards in my faith life, because the future was uncertain.
Yes, there were many times in my life when I could have just sat there and let life pass me by. Many times I could have simply given up. Loosing my eye sight and kidney failure did not help! Judith’s operation back in the first year of our marriage could have resulted in both of us giving up. After all, it was the pituitary gland operation which was the cause of so many miscarriages.
Just a portion of these events could cause anyone to blame God. Here I am now only age 30 and added to this I’ve just lost my wife!
Yet through all of this and more, I found the purpose to press on. The courage to move forward.
Some may ask, “Well how did you do it?”
Having a loving Christian family around me played its part. Other Christian friends played their part too.
A word of comfort, a message of encouragement, a hand on my shoulder, a telephone conversation, all became to me a candle of hope.
Through it all though, I am convinced that my strong faith in God and His Word has brought me to where I am today.
Yes, the questions may have been many, but indeed I know and trust in someone who has all the answers.
I know the One who created life. I know the One who blesses my life, and I know the One who holds my life together.
Many years later, moments still arise which cause me to remember. Anniversaries especially.
But; no matter what , the knowledge of His love and His purpose for me has been a driving force.
Amazingly; as I came through this time of sadness, I returned to my first love of music.
Seven months after Judith’s death, I found myself sitting at my keyboard. There, as I fumbled through some notes and cords, suddenly a brand new song appeared – “New Every Morning.”
Many months had whizzed by since I had composed a song. Yet, in the midst of my sorrow, something new was birthed.
Who knew then, that this song would be the anthem to my story?
God knew. He’s all-knowing! And I’m so thankful.
Indeed, He reminds us: I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. – Jeremiah 29: The Message.
Yes, that’s right, in the midst of my sorrow, along came the God of hope saying, “I still have a plan for you. It’s not over till I say so. I’m going to turn things around for you. Your best days are ahead.”.
Bible Words:
So, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you. – Psalm 39: New Living Translation.